After writing my first Christmas-themed blog, it occurred to me: Santa is a felon! That’s right, this guy is committing all sorts of crimes and getting away with it, year-on-year, by spoiling our little ones with presents he created through slave labour!  Let’s go through this step by step.

Slave labour

Let’s start with the elves. These little guys work year-in, year-out, working long, long hours, complete with hauling presents onto a sleigh. Never have I heard of these little guys getting holiday penalty rates, overtime, or high-risk pay. In fact, by all accounts it seems that room and board is their compensation. Someone call the Fair Work Ombudsman, these little guys need to unionise.

Related: ‘Tis the season to start an argument

Animal cruelty

OK, maybe this is a stretch, maybe the reindeer are treated well. But flying around the world in one night? That’s a bit of an ask, right? I mean, would we go galloping around on a horse for 24 hours without a break? And what’s with Rudolph’s nose? Something isn’t right there. These poor reindeer are being exploited, and someone needs to step in and take action.

Stalking

He knows if you’ve been naughty or nice? Stalker much?

Breaking and entering

Any other day of the year, and you’d be calling the cops if a fat man made his way down your chimney. Or worse, found a way in through one of your doors or windows. Santa is clearly dodging numerous breaking and entering charges, but continues to thwart justice each and every year.

He steals our food and drink

Yes, I left some delicious cookies and a glass of scotch out on the table. Why not? But I get up in the morning and this burglar has not only made his way into my house, he has eaten my treats?! I’m not having it. That’s good scotch he’s drinking, which leads us to …

He drink drives

How many boozy drinks does Santa take in a night? I think it’s fair to say he is well over the limit on Christmas Eve, quite possibly on the brink of death, yet we let him fly our skies, alongside aeroplanes, and shimmy his way into our house. It’s a wonder any of the kids get the right gifts.

Littering

Probably due to his drunken stupor, Santa does nothing to hide his trail, often leaving behind reindeer droppings and crumbs for us to clean up in the morning. Sometimes, the little prick even leaves behind glitter, which I find months later stuck to my cheek.

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