It’s time to have a little fun! Please share your stories with me too. We all need to feel like we’re not alone! I’m sure I’m missing a million things, but it’s late and I’m tired, so here’s what I have so far.
Behind my back. In the car. Under the pram. Down my pants. Anywhere prying eyes can’t see. It’s like she can hear the wrapper rustling in my handbag. Most of the time it’s not even exciting food. Honestly, why is a muesli bar so compelling? But I would love to eat a whole one. Just once. (Add to that list, eat cold – sometimes regurgitated – leftovers in order to get some sort of food in my belly.)
Play hide and seek in order to “get a break”
It’s all of five seconds (missy is 18 months, it would be cruel of me to hide properly!), but it’s five seconds to close my eyes before being climbed on, bounced on, poked, prodded, kissed, hit in the face, cuddled, hit in the face and … hit in the face.
Become “that person” at the local coffee shop
Yup, I’m “that person”. You know, the one with the child who thinks she owns the place? Who will totter on behind the counter, even when the staff are crazy busy. I know I should care, but I don’t. Ninety per cent of the time it’s super cute, and means missy gets to put orders in and enjoy the occasional free treat (that she doesn’t let me eat). So what if she pisses off some of the customers? I get to sit by myself for two minutes while the staff fuss over missy. Oh, and it usually means I get my coffee fast too!
Become a human guinea pig
It’s 4.30pm, it’s mumma day, dadda will be home in an hour and shit is getting tense. You want to do my hair? Sure! You want to pull the hair out of my head and whack me with a hair brush? Can I do it with my eyes closed while sitting down? Yes? Go for it! Hell, draw on my face while you’re at it. As long as you’re safe and I get to sit down.
- Don’t throw food at mumma
- Don’t throw food at dadda
- Stop playing with your bits
- Where did you get that knife?
- No, we don’t lie in the street
- No more washing your hands!
- How are there (clean) sultanas in your nappy?
- It’s a bra, not a hat
- Where did you get those matches?
- You’ve eaten enough fruit!
- It’s OK. It’s not a big deal. It’s just wee/poo
- Leave your nappy on
- Stop undressing me, we’re not having a bath
- Take baby’s head out of your mouth
That last section could go on and on! There’s an entire blog in there somewhere. To the parents who have made it through the toddler years, I salute you!