Parenthood is wonderful, it really is. It is also disgusting. Maybe it’s just me, maybe I’m the disgusting one, but nothing prepared me for just what I was prepared to do once I had a kid. I knew there would be gross moments (like the day a poo explosion hit me in the face – side note, never look closely at a baby’s anus), but I wasn’t prepared for just how gross I would become. Here’s how far I have come from a poo-phobic, cutlery using, germaphobe.

Pick up poo with my bare hands
You’re changing a nappy, a little nugget rolls out, what do you do? For the first few months, I sourced a wipe and picked it up, before washing my hands about four times with antibacterial wash. Then one day you just reach down and pick that little turd up and put it in the bin, followed by a quick pump of the sanitiser. What have I become?

Allow vomit to wash over me, just so we can keep cuddling
OK, this one is somehow one of my most treasured memories. For me, it shows just what I am prepared to do for my child as she heaves chunks down me while I hold her and tell her it’s going to be alright. Equally gross and lovely.

Related: Another apology to my friends with kids

Pick bogies out with my finger
Those crusty little buggers just won’t come out with a tissue squeeze. And try telling a two-year-old to blow and you just end up with slobber all over a tissue. I never realised just how valuable my long pinky nails were before I had to squeeze one up a tiny nostril to retrieve a crusty booger.

Spit and wipe
Alright, I always knew I was going to be this kind of mum. Not one to be prepared with wet wipes, I often find myself doing the ol’ spit and wipe – one of the favourite techniques my Nana used. I can still remember the feel of the rough hanky across my face.

Eat regurgitated food
For a non-parent (or just someone more prepared or better-mannered than me) it’s really hard to understand just how you get yourself in this situation. Imagine if you will a wet, sticky plum. Your child has handed it to you because the pip freaks them out (seriously), you are driving the car, you have no tissue, you don’t want to put the plum in the console because that’s just gross. What do you do? Yep, in it goes, slobber and all. At least it’s fruit, right? God forbid the kid spits out chocolate!

Let someone else milk me
The less said about that one the better.

Say things like, can you please wear pants when you’re eating
OK, not so much me being gross, but seriously. I hear myself shouting these things and I can’t believe what’s coming out of my mouth. There’s quite a few of things saying in our house – the kid loves to go nudey. I draw the line at naked meal times though. That would just be gross, right?

I’m sure there are more that I’m forgetting – I mean the post-birth stuff alone is a whole other article! But nothing prepared me for the constant slobber and snot, or the sticky cuddles that always seem to be their messiest when I’m wearing a hand-wash-only item. Ah, the joys. Wouldn’t change it for the world!

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